Saturday, April 12, 2003
things that make me cry without fail

i'll be home for christmas.
certain commercials about dads and daughters.
the scene in all about my mother where her father doesn't recognize her.
the end of charlotte's web.
my mom crying.
jim croce's 'time in a bottle'.
college graduation speeches.

and most of all,

judy collins' open the door.

what makes you cry without fail?

love, krissa .... 1:11 AM ... link!

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Thursday, April 10, 2003
why buy the cow, indeed.

i've made some interesting choices on the dating battlefield. i've dated various breeds of italians [always a wild card], fallen hard for a
guy who lives a million miles away, stepped in the same stream twice with mixed results, managed to date/sleep with ex-boyfriend's friends more than i'd be proud to admit, and spent two years in love with a man who's favorite musician was jimmy buffet and greatest ambition was to be the Camel Guy. yeah, i've chased the impossible, cushioned the needy, dumped the perfectly acceptable, and kissed... well, a lot of frogs. but of all my dating war stories, there's only one that my friends like to recount to complete strangers, just to get a laugh. [on second thought, this might mean i need new friends. hmm.]

his name was brian. we met at nyu, when we both lived in a washington square park dormitory during the summer of 2000. i had just finished my sophomore year, and my parents were abroad, leaving me to flounder, jobless, in the big city. the first night we met, a big group of us were going out dancing. when i saw brian standing at the other end of the hall, my jaw dropped to the ground. impeccable button down, sexy, lowslung jeans, and hip leather sandals. blond hair. firm jawline. blue eyes. even in the dingy dorm hallway, he looked like a million bucks, fresh out of a ralph lauren ad.

well, it took about two minutes of talking to him for the gaydar to spring into full effect. brian wasn't a flaming 'mo, he was more the 'subtle pink' variety of gay. but hey, i went to sarah lawrence, right? i was used to meeting impossibly delectable specimens who insisted on batting for the other team, much to the female detriment. so i linked arms with the gorgeous 'mo, knocked back my cosmo, we started dancing, and there bloomed a friendship.

brian and i went everywhere together those first couple of weeks. we went to plays. we lounged in the park. we got soused every night, on that underage-drinking-mecca of a street, macdougal. we'd dance like fiends in any bar playing music. brian would dip me just low enough so that the bartender would get a good eye-ful and we'd get free drinks. we'd stagger back to the dorms, laughing and hammered, and make a big show of kissing each other goodnight and getting coffee first thing in the mornings, to nurse our hangovers. remembering those days still smells like espresso and brian's aftershave.

and then, one night, we were at our favorite after-hours bar, where we'd go on our way home from some other bar - minetta tavern, where the bartender inexplicably called me his "fresh mozzarella" and predictably didn't charge me for my cosmo habit. i don't remember how the conversation happened, because i was sloshed, but the important part went like this:

krissa: penny [for your thoughts].
brian: you want the truth, or the lie?
krissa: the lie first.
brian: the lie is, i'm not attracted to you. the truth is, i am.
brian: krissa?
krissa: i think... i'll be back.

after ten minutes of staring at my reflection in the bathroom and attempting to form cognizant sentences in my brain, i tottered back to the table. i had gone from fag-hag to femme fatale in ten seconds flat. suddenly, brian wasn't pretty arm-candy, but potential pretty bed-candy. and to give myself credit, i really liked brian. predictably, for a girl like me, brian was the perfect match. well-read but a fantastic dancer, gorgeous, funny, charming, knew his way around a good restaurant and around bloomingdales ... what girl wouldn't have fallen?

of course, falling into bed with him may have been a little ... well, short-sighted. we never really hopped on the good foot and did the very bad thing [secretly, i think it was just too much for his pink side to handle], but we did a number of other things, which are probably illegal in several developing nations. we couldn't get our hands off each other that first night. i think at some point, i attempted to make tea - then brian accosted me in the bathroom and i accidentally left the water running for about an hour while i was preoccupied in the, aherm, tub.

a week after the hayrolls started, they abruptly stopped - having something to do with brian's conversations with his gay posse back in houston, no doubt, attempting to knock some well-needed sense into him. we broke it off - for a day. on that day, my conversation with my best gal-pal, erin, was particularly amusing. after i told her the whole story, how we got together, why we've stopped, erin became uncharacteristically sympathetic, for a girl whose cartoon personality double was daria:

erin: oh, you poor thing, that's just terrible!
krissa: i know!
erin: i mean, did he cry, or anything?
krissa: cry?
erin: when he came out to you. was that the first time he admitted it?
krissa: huh? no, brian's been gay for three years now.
erin: what?!
krissa: yeah, i mean, i knew he was gay when we started.
krissa: erin?
erin: yeah. i'm going to have to recant all previous sympathy, you stupid cow.

but we went on, brian and i - going out drinking, making out all over our dorm rooms, in elevators, in corners of hallways... and it was fun while it lasted. sure, there were times when brian would want to drag me to a gay club and i'd recoil in horror at the thought of competing with a roomful of gorgeous men for my gay boyfriend's attention. there were a lot of stares, sometimes, from strangers at bars or acquaintances at nyu, and you could hear the words forming: "but he's ..." "yeah." "and she's not a .." "yeah." "and they're?" "yeah." "weird." "yeah."

and when brian and i parted ways, it was peacefully. we both knew it had a shelf-life, this little experiment in fluid sexuality. and i thought we'd remain friends, from houston to new york, because, well, why not?

brian thought differently. after we went back to school, i started realizing that i called to chat with him, not the other way around. so eventually, i stopped calling, to see if he would. there would be no reason for the silent treatment, we'd parted friends. but there was. because five days after we said goodbye, brian started dating a guy. and didn't know how to tell me, which i told him later was absurd and unfair. we never talked to each other after i confronted him about ignoring me. we didn't have anything to say to each other.

i don't know what brian's doing. his family has a lot of money, a lot. and perhaps, coming into that money, and realizing the world he was about to embark into - well, maybe brian wanted to see if he could play it straight. maybe he wanted to see how much easier it would be for his high-society, big-roller family to accept their heir when he could do the wife, the picket fence, the tow-headed children. maybe brian was trying to find a way to back-pedal into the closet, because maybe he hadn't accepted his sexuality as normal, and natural.

i don't doubt brian was attracted to me, and i still salute the bravery it took for him to admit it to himself, but i often wonder how much of his attraction was a desperate need to see the world from this side of the fence - the side where no one asks you, 'so, why are you straight?' because no matter how many shows like will and grace there are on television, coming out and saying "i'm gay" is still something of a show, something of a trial - as if it's important to come out in order to acknowledge you're different from everyone else. and in a world where "coming out" is still even a necessity - when pointing out that you're gay somehow implies that you've chosen such a vastly different path - i suppose brian choosing to fool around with a girl is a little bit more complicated that just, well, fooling around with a girl.

and although i joke about being that girl, the girl that dated an openly gay guy ... it taught me a lot about sexuality, and desire, and boundaries.

oh, and hooking up when you're drunk. that too.


11:04am - random somewhat-related update: the best thing i took away from that summer, my darling friend stephanie, just reminded me why the brian story is so funny.

my screenname: are you... interested in andrew?
her screenname: no, he's too gay.
her screenname: plus he has a girlfriend.

aahh, and it goes on.

love, krissa .... 5:01 PM ... link!

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Wednesday, April 09, 2003
oh delicious arm muscles irony

sometimes i love my life. i'm dear friends with
two ridiculously hot men i can't shag for various reasons, and another ridiculously hot man i could shag, except that he's not sodding here, is he.

pity me.

or, just browse through some more sexy party pictures. i'm the one with the bob and the enormous smile.

love, krissa .... 12:04 AM ... link!

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Tuesday, April 08, 2003
april crushes bring may blushes

there are several main reasons i've picked this month's boy-blogger-crush:

he writes charmingly and uses the queen's english.
he hasn't linked me [nothing like an aloof boy, honestly.]

and some auxiliary reasons:

he makes camden sound charming.
he plays proper six-a-side in the parks.
he has a regular pub, and there's something irresistible about a man with continuity.

and so, for all this [and he's wicked cute, girls] the april 2003 crush goes to
london mark*.

so, go flatter london mark. go have a cuppa with him. read his walking with mark series. it might make you cry. listen to his melancholy radio mixes but don't be fooled. he can be absurdly funny sometimes.

and perhaps now, after some careful flattery, the cad will link to me.

*approved by both petit hiboux and mrs. kennedy.

love, krissa .... 10:42 PM ... link!

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crisis at petit hiboux. prior posts not showing. pandimonium and brimstone. hounds of hell. time for ultimate fighting move executed directly at blog*spot:

HIIII-YAHHHHH [the miss piggy judo chop].

come on, internet. is this all you've got?

disaster averted. the ever-cool-headed
wang, aside from being a charming drunk, also knows how to slip into a girl's template, take a quick look-see, and come back with a minutely detailed prognosis:

him: "you're missing a < ."
me: "this is all because of a goddamned < ?!?"
him: "yes."

so, that solves that, kiddies. some of you might have seen the tragically-short-lived post concerning the april crush. it will be revived, later today.

love, krissa .... 8:11 PM ... link!

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Monday, April 07, 2003
rockin' the retro

saturday night's house party produced three very memorable digital images.

the dining room table, holding about a third of the total consumed alcohol products.

fulminous, looking every inch the hottest man in the room. and those hip-hugging pants that decency won't let us post? rawwrrr.

the third picture, we cannot show you. because it's just a little too raunchy, and my reputation as a lady would be, shall we say, under duress. right boys?*

UPDATE: *apparently, ful had absolutely no reservations about posting said raunchy pictures. as i knew he wouldn't. because he is a raunchy, raunchy boy. so, head over here to get the, er, ful story.

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le petit hiboux's handy guide of signs re: impending apocalypse

carson daly
ryan mcginley, showing at the whitney
ice-skaters performing to creed songs

are all prime examples. but the most obvious one?

snowing. in april.

all that's left is to see four horses galloping at breakneck speed down fifth avenue.

love, krissa .... 8:13 PM ... link!

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