Friday, March 26, 2004
heart, meet sleeve

blogging is often a game of coquetterie, where the writer flashes a little leg and lets the reader play the seductive game of reading between the lines. i do it just as well as the next blogger, i fully admit.

the thing is, none of that today. i'm in love. i'm in love with the most beautiful man i've ever met, and i have no cute or coy way to say it. i met him a week ago. i've spent every night with him since. we've stayed up late, whispering secrets and telling stories. he pulls me to him on the subway platform and kisses me with promise and purpose and my knees turn to water. he tells me the truth and listens to my truths, and this week has been spent wandering around new york, arm in arm, an island of two.

i love him for so many reasons, they'd sound like a resume if you heard them. but most of all, because i've finally found the man i can be fearlessly open with, the man i can pour myself into. i have finally given my heart to someone and had them recieve it with joy and care.

and he lives in england. and he's moving here. and there will be days and weeks and months of details and questions and job searches and visas and phone calls and longing and laughter down the phone lines - and i hope you can all be there for the ride. and i hope you have ideas and advice. because we're doing this. one way or another.

so whether you believe in true love, this quickly, is not a matter we need to discuss. i don't know if i did either. but then i met him. and he kissed me. and i held his hand and i hold his heart. he's what i've always been looking for and never knew existed ...

he loves me.

love, krissa .... 11:16 PM ... link!

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Thursday, March 25, 2004
flash! bam! alakazam!

you'll have to forgive me, cookie monsters. the rose-colored glasses i've found make it difficult to read webpages. getting hit by lightning leaves you too electrified to touch a keyboard. floating ten feet off the ground, well...

leaves precious little time for blogging.

so give me a minute to gather my wits again, wipe this grin off my face, grab a cupcake, and tell you everything. soon.

love, krissa .... 8:12 PM ... link!

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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
let me tell you exactly about a girl like me

stepping out of the elevator for my cigarette break, this burly older man steps in line with me, and begins a completely unsolicited conversation about the magazine company i work for, whose masthead is listed in the elevator.

he says he's polish. his cheeks are red and his goatee is disturbingly white and straight-bristled. he looks like santa claus's hard-partying brother. as we exit the building, i light up my cigarette and prepare to walk away, having answered in short responses his questions about the company. but he persists, explaining he was once a journalist in poland, and that he rode the trans-siberian railroad once, back in the grandeur of the soviet era.

this all seems normal. until he leans far too close and says with a lecherous smile, "and i was traveling with a mistress, she was a girl just like you, a beautiful girl. she was wild! man was she -"

this is the point where i step back about a foot, a hard smile pulls across my face, and i say, "i'm sorry, i'm meeting someone. have a nice day." i turn heel in my boots and stalk the other way.

for someone who always complains about letting people's affronts shock me into a polite silence, i'm quite proud of the sudden instinct that drove me to walk away quite clearly uninterested in letting him finish that sentence. must be something in the air. something strong.

love, krissa .... 12:29 AM ... link!

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Monday, March 22, 2004
great loves

over a year ago, i stood at the edge of a dance floor, watching one of the most beautiful friends in my life sailing around the room on the arm of the only man she'd ever, and will ever, love. i cried, the only time i cried at her wedding, and her father came up to me quietly and put his arm around my shoulder.

"this will happen for you, too. and we'll be there, my family, to cry happy tears for you." his comforting arm, his intuition, and his kindness just made me cry harder, so he took me outside for a cigarette and told me funny stories about growing up in india.

the intervening year and its disappointments has built up a hard ugly layer of cynicism over a belief i've cherished for years - that great love is really the only thing worth fighting for and nothing trumps it. for reasons that will stay close to my heart, reasons both personal and external, something's happened to slough off that scar tissue of disappointed detachment.

i remember what it felt like to watch her dance with him and know i'd find that someday. i look at my coupled friends with renewed appreciation of their passion. i believe in great love again. i always did. i can't believe i spent a year blustering otherwise.

welcome, spring.

love, krissa .... 11:13 PM ... link!

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tom petty said it best

here's the thing: i haven't heard back from any of the six law schools i applied to. i sent all my applications in about a month before they were due, so this is an understandable delay. it's not like it means i'm more likely to get rejected just because it's taking longer to hear back.

but the waiting.

there are so many things i want to do, every day, that i struggle with the knowledge that i'm planning on laying three years of my life effectively into cement. law school means pursuing a scary, unknown and difficult dream i have. laying down plans for the future. but it also means forfeiting a lot of today. it means no crazy exciting travel for three years. less time with friends. much less money. less of that careless bohemian hither-tither wandering that makes my otherwise bougie life worth living. looked at carefully on the scales, both paths - the going and the not-going - have their merits and downsides.

and the waiting.

every day that i wait, i evaluate with more clarity how i'll deal if i don't get in ... anywhere. don't flatter me. it's a possibility. and i may be a soaring romantic when it comes to some things, but in matters of les cartes d'avenir, i like to be realistic. so there stands the hairy ugly beast that is rejection. that is not getting in anywhere. and what will i do? how will i say to my loved-ones and cheerers-on, "yes, i was planning on going, and no, i'm not doing so." my pride, drat my wounded pride!

oh, the waiting!

when i first started to seriously consider the rejection beast, i flippantly said to a friend, "well, if i don't get in, then i'll definitely write a novel." i was mostly kidding. i'm sort of not anymore. lengthy inspiring discussions with
stuart, as well as the myriad of recent encouragement that's poured out of friends and readers alike, has made me take a harder look at a path i thought i'd decided against years ago. who knows. don't count any chickens before their parents meet and mate. i may not write anything. i may switch jobs. i may travel. i may fall in love. i may start up windsurfing or wood carving. i may, very well, do anything i'd like to do.

but the point is, the waiting will be over, eventually. until then, there are only two things i DO know:

1. if i get in, then i have the choice of going to law school. which is what i want.

2. if i don't, the world remains as it always has been: my oyster.

maybe the waiting isn't the hardest part. maybe it's really just the choosing.

love, krissa .... 8:40 PM ... link!

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